Emotional Wellbeing

9 Ways How To Survive Despite Abuse In a Relationship

A friend of mine asked me “How can I be happy despite abuse in my relationship If you want to learn how to overcome your problems and stay motivated, keep reading.

How To Stay Happy Despite Abuse In a Relationship

Firstly, I need to point out that my blog is about positivity. However, sometimes you need to write about challenges so that people facing e.g. abuse can regain mental health and emotional balance eventually. Hence, you do not need to be a victim and sink in depression just because someone is abusive. I will give you nine tools, which, when used correctly, will help you to enjoy life despite challenges.

1. Face the Facts Concerning Abuse

Keep yourself calm instead of overreacting. Stop for a while to gain the distance to your emotions and thoughts. Realize that your negative or fearful thoughts are usually not based on reality, but you perceive it through a subjective focus. Even if your partner abuses you, there is always some brutal truth connected with your person. He just mirrors your insecurities.

2. Remain Calm Under Pressure Of Abuse

The starting point of staying calm under pressure is to refuse to react automatically and unthinkingly. Take a deep breath to calm your mind. Think carefully about your next words and actions. Imagine that everyone is watching and you are playing the role of your life. If you succeed, your audience will love you. Despite an abusive relationship, you will gain followers. Treat this situation as a test to see what you are truly made of. You can surprise yourself how strong and wise you could be, even facing abuse. Resolve to set a good example, being a role model for others, to demonstrate the correct way to deal with a major problem.

3. Stop Blaming Others

Always accept 100% responsibility for yourself and for everything that happens from this minute forward. In this way, you will become your own turnaround specialist and take complete control over your life in an abusive relationship. In particular, you must keep yourself positive and focused and avoid blame at all cost. You do this by reminding yourself and repeating these words:

‘‘I am responsible! I am responsible! I am responsible!’’

Your self-talk of this affirmation may not work straight away, so write it down, at lest 27 times, every day.

4. Ask Questions

Asking questions will clear your mind. You will become more aware of the facts which may be not so overwhelming as you have previously seen them. Here are some questions that will help you get at the facts:

What is the situation exactly?
What has happened?
When did it happen?
Where did it happen?
How did it happen?
Who was involved?

Then define:

What are the facts?
How do we know that these facts are accurate?
Who is responsible for doing (or not doing) certain things?

Asking questions will give you clarity and control over the situation will increase significantly. You feel that you have more clarity and control over the situation. You can also plan what to make differently the next time in the same situation, for example when your boyfriend starts arguing. However, focus on the facts instead of ruminating your feelings or opinions.

5. Write Your Answers Down

Use the question from tool 4 to define your situation. Then ask yourself ‘‘What, exactly, is the problem?’’ and write down a clear statement of the problem on a piece of paper. If you describe the problem down on paper, it starts to solve itself. The next step is to write down what all of the possible solutions to the problem. You can use the 20 ideas method here. Be creative and don’t assess your ideas. Next, look at the list of solutions that you have written and chosen one, which you can implement right now.

6. Try Something Different Than Being a Victim Of Abuse

While choosing the solution to solving your problem, try something different. It is said that when you do the same thing, in the same way, all the time, nothing will change. Many self-help gurus, e.g. Stephen Covey, write that if you want to solve the problems in your abusive relationship, change something. The point is to take a different approach and solving what went wrong the first time. Believe that you will eventually succeed and this will help you improve over the long run.

7. Learn the Lesson

The same self-help experts will tell you that within every problem you face, there is the seed of an equal or greater benefit or advantage. I can confirm it. This is the so-cold of the universal Law of Cause and Effect. Everything that happens to you now is the result of your past decisions, thoughts and actions. But what is even more important, all that you are doing now will have an impact on your future. Look for something good in your situation. Heated arguments will strengthen your emotional intelligence and inner power, even if you might fall sometimes and react according to the abuser. You will also face your insecurities and low self-esteem, mirrored by your abusive partner.

8. Talk To Other People About Abuse

In the case of being in an abusive relationship, talking over the problem with a counsellor or trusted friend will help immensely to keep you calm and controlled. You can do it in person as well as by chatting or calling your support. You can find some useful options on my website on the menu.

9. Get Busy Solving the Problem Of Abuse

Take action, any action, to resolve the difficulty and get yourself through the crunch. It is said that thinking about your situation worsens it and can paralyze you. Abuse naturally generates negative thinking and they often flood your mind, making you blind to solutions
I know it is not easy to take action when everything around seems to convince you about the helplessness of your situation. However, you do have some sparks of hope and power. Here are some ideas which you can use:

Go For a Long Walk

Review the situation, examining it from every angle, seeking a possible solution. But never ruminate on how much wrong your partner has done to you. Instead, think about what to change and enjoy the forces of nature – wind, trees, flowers, sun, grass and even rain.

Stay Away From Your Abusive Partner

Consider going away for some days of staying with your parents, if possible. If your abusive partner does not allow you to go out, find at least one moment when he/she is not around and focus on something you like and which empowers you. Use any opportunity to contact your supporters then.

Become Creative

You can also start a blog and share with your story with other people, who can support you. However, never play the victim. Then you will release your negative emotions and also notice that there are other people facing your problems.

Last But Not Least Tip Concerning Abuse

Sometimes you do have to make radical changes. One of them is to cut off from an abusive person and his/her negativity. And walks or talking to friends/counsellor may not be enough. Then consider cutting of totally, also in the physical way (divorce, separation, moving away). If you cannot do it at once, at least prepare for this step (saving money, finding more information, optional accommodation etc.)

In a Nutshell

Today I have given you nine tips on how to survive and stay emotionally balanced despite abuse in your relationship. Study them carefully, apply in your life and you will notice changes earlier or later. Good luck.

Victoria Herocten

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