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Breakup From an Abusive Relationship: How To Survive In 5 Steps

breakup from abusive relationshipBreakup from an abusive relationship always triggers loss and grief. It is the kind of bereavement. What are the stages that you have to go through before you are ready to start a new life?

Firstly, after your breakup from an abusive relationship, you spend different lengths of time working through each step and express each stage with different levels of intensity. The five stages described below do not necessarily occur in any specific order. You can often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief.

How To Survive the Breakup From an Abusive Relationship.


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Keep in mind that all people deal with a breakup differently. Some people will wear their emotions on their sleeve and be outwardly emotional while others will experience their emptiness more internally, and may not cry. Do not judge how a person experiences their grief.

1. Denial and isolation

First you deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions, as one of defence mechanism that rules each breakup from an abusive relationship. You block out the words and hide from the facts. Fortunately, this is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger

After denial reality and its pain re-emerge. But you are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from your vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. This emotion may be aimed at inanimate objects, friends or family or complete strangers. Anger may be directed at your ex. Rationally, you know the person is not to be blamed, it is their abusive behaviour. Emotionally, however, you may resent the person for causing you pain. You feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry. After breakup from an abusive relationship remember that it is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.

3. Bargaining

A need to regain control is the normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. It is often manifested by statements like those:

  • If only I had s fixed my relationship sooner…
  • If only I listened to the opinions from my friends…
  • If only I broke up earlier…

Secretly, you may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defence to protect you from the painful reality. Remember that staying in an abusive relationship also causes pain and every day you lose the good life that you deserve for.

4. Depression

There are two types of depression which occur after moving on. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss of all what was good in the abusive relationship. Sadness and regret are the most common then. You worry about the new reality – where to live, how to gain your part of property after divorce. You can ease his phase by simple clarification and reassurance. You may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and perhaps more private. It is your quiet preparation to separate totally and to bid your ex one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

5. Acceptance

It is a gift not afforded to everyone, including you. Breakup from an abusive relationship may be sudden of progressive and you may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny yourself the opportunity to make your peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness yet and and must be distinguished from depression.
Coping with loss of all the good moments in your relationship or some pay-offs is a ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience. Nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you are going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. Allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. This will be the best thing that you can do. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

Take action.

After your breakup from an abusive relationship, define on which stage of grief you are – denial, anger, bargaining, depression or acceptance. Describe in writing how you are feeling right now. Be honest with yourself – admit that you deny the truth if you are at the first stage. Every day write a few sentences describing your feelings, whatever they are.

Please comment today’s post and share with your friends. Have a nice day. Victoria Herocten


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Victoria HeroctenAuthor: Victoria Herocten Writer and coach. Since 2009 she helps women with abuse to start over and how to be happy . The co-author of bestseller “Gratitude Book”.

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