Imagine that you are late for dinner prepared by your partner. He became angry and criticizes your lack of care. You know that there was a huge traffic and it was impossible to reach the house on time. Can you solve the problem without starting an argument? Here are the tips which will help you to achieve this goal.
1. Issues are not people.
We all have different values and beliefs. Moreover, we also have different wants and needs from life. However, it does not mean that the other person is wrong, just because you would have behaved differently in a given situation. There rarely is just one right and one wrong way to do something. Bear in mind that we all do stupid things from time to time and nobody is 100% good or 100% bad. When you remember this, you are reminded that a bad act does not make a bad person.
Therefore, there is nothing wrong in the fact that your expectations for the next holiday are different than your partner’s.
Make every effort to separate the act from the person when you need to speak to someone about the way they have behaved,. They are likely to feel threatened and close down the channels of communication if the person feels like you are attacking them, rather than challenging their behaviour.
2. Examine the facts
An argument based upon opinions and assumptions is never convincing. Examine the facts carefully before raising your issue. Have your facts, figures and details to hand. The more support that you can offer for your viewpoint, the more likely the other person will listen to you. Think of it like seeking a new partner. If you couldn’t tell the potential date what are your values, expectations, he or she is not very likely to treat you seriously. It is essential that you prepare with important conversations. By preparing yourself you will demonstrate the benefits of your suggestion and so, increase the likelihood of finding a win-win solution.
3. State clearly what you want
It is surprising how many people enter a discussion or negotiation without being clear on what they want. More than that, even when they are clear, they are usually not keen on sharing with the other person what it is that they want. However, how could the other person help you find a win-win solution if they do not know what “win” means to you? People are not mind readers. They cannot help you achieve your goal when you do not tell them what your goal is.
You do not want to tell them what the worst offer that you are prepared to accept is in critical situations but, you can always tell what the ideal outcome you are looking for is.
Read Part 2 of this article.
Think of your latest argument with your partner. Define the facts and state clearly what you expect. Write it down. Then imagine that you are actually communicating the message.
Author: Victoria Herocten Writer and coach.
Since 2009 she helps women with abuse to start over and how to be happy .
The co-author of the bestseller “Gratitude Book”.