Many people have ask me what to do if you are in an abusive relationships. The answer is not simple, but I will give you some tips today.Generally speaking, there are two options:
The first is trying to find a solution by serious talk and change of the abusive person or to move on. Unfortunately, in most cases the second option has to be used – ending abusive relationships which is the only positive solution. Whichever decision you will take, there are tools which you can use now.
According to Gale, you can use the following tips to manage toxic interactions:
1. Tell the person how you feel in an assertive way.
When the abuse is moderate and the abuser still can listen or tries to reconcile, apologizing, express your feelings. If you are not assertive, the abuser will think that you allow him to be treated in a bad way. Then the abuse will become more serious. You can present your assertiveness in the way presented below:
Use “I” statements. For example: “When you hit me//say “You’re an idiot” I feel hurt. What I need is your respect and sincere discussion our problems. The reason that I am sharing my feelings and needs with you is because I love you/ I want to build a healthy relationship with you etc.”
It is important to start from “when you” as then you indicate his behaviour. “I feel” means that you are not attacking him personally, but focus on your person. “What I need” expresses your expectations, what he should do to fix the problem. “The reason” shows why you are assertive.
At the first stage of abuse you still may want to build a healthy relationship. But later, when your attempts do not work, you can inform your partner stating an ultimatum – what happens if he does not change his behaviour. But then you need to do what you have stated. If you threat him with leaving him, you have to do it in some way because in many cases women just threaten their partners without taking action. Then the abuser will feel even stronger and may be more aggressive.
2. Set and maintain boundaries.
As I said before, you need to manifest what you can accept and what is a big “no” for you. But remember, if you do not communicate that your partners breaches your boundaries, he will do so, in more and more abusive way.
3. Focus on taking care of yourself.
Abuse drains your energy and causes that you focus on him, not you. You often do not allow yourself the right to rest and do the things that you like. I know, he might be possessive or threat you if you live your own life, but even then, when he is not at home, you can do something for yourself.
4. Find ways to protect yourself from their unhealthy behaviours.
You obviously need help and support. You can find some useful links on my website and I will try to put even more helpful institutions or places where you can feel safe and understood. But start from your best friend or free counselor. If you are on this website, check the Find Help page.
5. Reflect on the relationship.
Consider how you are caught in an unhealthy cycle of relating to the person. One of the reason is that you might be trying to fix him or have hope that he will change. HE WILL NOT. If he wants to change, he will act this way and decides himself about this. Your nagging or begging will never help.
Another common reason for staying in an abusive relationship is your fear – what will I do after break up, what will happen with my children, how will I cope financially. Then look at the stories of the women who are in shelters, who have decided to move on.
Ending the relationship may be painful, particularly if you have a long history with the person. Gail said. “Ultimately though, you will have created space for much healthier and far more nourishing relationships in your life.”
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Reflect on your relationship and write down where you are now. Decide if you can do something to fix problem of abuse – together or consider the option of ending the the relationship. Talk to a counselor to get help.
Please comment today’s post and share with your friends. Have a nice day. Victoria Herocten