How many times have you set new year’s resolutions and have given up after meeting the first obstacle? Today you will learn the story which will help you to live the 2016 year as successful and you will be satisfied with the results.
1. Sit down and take a piece of paper
Imagine that you start a totally new chapter of your life as a new book.
Everything which was up to now is forgotten and erased. Even if you are in a toxic relationship, have commitments, maybe children – now you start a totally new chapter of your life. Ans it is only up to you how it will look like. What if you, instead of worrying, finding excuses, started to image that you can achieve your goals?
2. Define where you are now
You have new potential and opportunities, but before you set big goals, you have to know where you start from. So you are living with your abusive or toxic partner, have low self-esteem, lots of commitments, maybe children, feel worthless… Okay, enough of that negativity.
3. Think and list what you have achieved
Is there at least one argument, where you stayed calm and have not taken personally your partner’s verbal attack? Or maybe there was a day, when you were able to defend your boundaries, even if your toxic partner was raging? What little small thing have you done for yourself and are proud of that?
If you are living with somebody who is controlling, dominated you, e.g. you resigned from career and stay at home –
think what great things you have done at home. Even cooking nice meals is a success. You probably had guests because of birthday parties or your friends have come to visit you… and you were praised, they were delighted tasting your courses. In other words, you will always find something uplifting in your life.
4. Think and list your strong points
I believe that you have many of them, but have stopped using them. Write down a list of them. If you cannot find your good points, think what your friends like in you, what was your success. Even if now you are dominated and living in a toxic relationship, before that you have achieved a lot, and even now, being able to stand up for yourself, is a big achievement.
5. Now, having your tools, define, in writing, what you want to change
But one note of caution – think of the goals that are yours, which you really want to achieve for yourself, not what could be nice because other people do so. And never set a goal which means that other people have to change, like your toxic partner for example. Only the goal where you have control on the results is valuable and can be successful. Let’s say that you want to make your relationship less toxic… or even start a new one.
6. Define the steps necessary to achieve your goal
You will not change your partner just by telling him that you dislike the way he is treating you. Learn more about manipulation techniques he may use to prove that you are not right. You also have to take control over your emotions, stop taking things personally and prepare – for the optional breakup, plus to the serious talk about the problem of toxic behaviour. You will have to master the techniques to deal with a toxic person. 10 are described in the book Toxic men by Dr Lillian Glass.
7. Prepare a plan
When you know what sub-goals are necessary to be achieved, make a plan. Which will you tackle first? How much time do you need to master it? You will definitely have to practise some of your goals on every day basis, even if you will not see the reward instantly.
8. Prepare a game
Use the right tool for that, maybe electronic devices will be better, as your toxic partner may find your paper diary, especially when he is controlling. Every day, mark in your calendar, that you achieved the small bit of your goal. Let’s say that you are working on being indifferent to his verbal abuse. Every day, when you can calm down and dissociate from his teasing, put downs or name calling – give yourself a credit. Mark it in the calendar. After some time, you will have many days which are your victories, won battles. And it is absolutely necessary to mark your progress every single day, not once per week or month.
9. Define a reward for yourself, after achieving your mini-goals
It does have to be something big, but every day, when you succeed, reward yourself. You are implementing your life mission, and the first level of that.
Now when you have all this ready, start writing your new book – making powerful decisions, winning each challenge and celebrating every single victory. Good luck.
Share what is your New Year’s resolution in the comment below.
Author: Victoria Herocten Writer and coach.
Since 2009 she helps women with abuse to start over and how to be happy .
The co-author of the bestseller “Gratitude Book”.