One of my readers asked me the question: “How to recognize a victim?”. I don’t mean the victim of abuse, but the victim of own behaviour. Here are 15 symptoms which will help you to identify a victim:
1. The Victim Does Not Take Responsibility
He or she uses excuses and does not take action. In a case of a toxic relationship, a victim will not to the abuser, demanding better treatment. The victim will not seek help or admit, that his or her behaviour provokes the batterer.
2. Victims Are Frozen In Their Life
Someone said that if you do the same thing all the time, you cannot expect changes in your life. The victim will not improve his or her skills, will not look for promotion at work or develop in any other way. Therefore, the victim’s partners become bored with the relationship. And the victim will blame them for his or her mistreatment.
3. They Hold Onto Grudges
ven if you have been hurt badly, name called or abused in any other way, never hold onto grudges. Demanding respect or even moving on and finding a new relationship is one thing. However, feeling angry or resentful all the time will not help you to start a new life. Think what you could do to release your anger and resentment. You have the right to feel them, but ruminating on them will only poison your mind.
4. The Victim Has Trouble Being Assertive
This symptom is very common in the case of an abusive relationship. Once beaten, you have no courage to stand up for yourself. It is even worse when you justify your partner’s behaviour with loving him (so why could you be cruel to him. But then you suffer and are hurt again. Nothing will change in your life until you become assertive and set up your limits. Maybe you will have to leave him and start a new life. It may be hard. Ask yourself: “What is more important, my happiness or agreeing to be treated without respect?”.
5. They Feel Powerless
You have just read the paragraph above and might say: “Assertive? Me? No way, I can’t do that”. You can. If you had to, you could. Imagine that being assertive is the only solution for your to be alive. It means life or death. Would you be assertive then? Think of the times when you were assertive and successfully set your boundaries. How could you apply this today? Another question which you may ask is: “What is more important, my peace of mind or pleasing him/her?”
6. They Do Not Trust Others
This issue is not only a problem of not trusting others. In this case, the victim does not believe he or she is trustworthy himself/herself. The victim makes the assumption that other people are exactly like them, i.e. untrustworthy. If you were ridiculed in your childhood or abused verbally, there is very probable that you will not trust people. What can you do? When you meet a new person, examine the evidence. The chances are that your assumptions are based on your beliefs, not the reality.
7. The Victims Feel Sorry For Themselves
You mope around being miserable, thinking about you, and no one else. Victims have a habit of pitying themselves. You probably met at least one person in your life. Instead of seeking solutions to their problems and taking other people into account, victims will ruminate upon how badly other people treated them, how hard their life is. Their friends have to listen to a monologue, and the victim is not interested in the other people’s feelings. What can you do? Just recognize that all individuals have terrible days and experience severe events. You are not the only person who is treated poorly by a family member of your spouse.
8. The Victims Constantly Compare Themselves To Others
Comparing to others will never be fair as we are different, just because having a unique DNA. Even monozygotic twins are not the same, as, one is bigger, and the fact of being born as first had an impact on his or her life. Then think of your cultural background, sex, height or the fact that you can have a long-term illness. Your partner is different than your friends; your parents were different, and I could list even more facts stating that comparing to others is never fair. You can compare standards, the results that you need to achieve, but not yourself. Chang the view and notice what progress you have made on the way to your greatness.
9. They See Life As Always Lacking
Even when something good happens, the victim will seek out what’s missing or what’s missing. He or she has a negative mental filter. This kind of person is filled with negative thoughts and beliefs that others always are luckier, richer or healthier. However, the victim does nothing to change his or her situation, only complaints. Start practising gratitude and taking small steps which will prove you that you have some assets and are good at some things.
10. The Victim Is a Critic
Apart from complaining, destructive criticism is another tool the victim uses. H or she has a need to put others down and find fault in people. In this way, the victim compensates his or her helplessness and the fact of not doing anything to create a better life. Before you criticize anyone for doing something wrong, think how excellent you are in this field of life and what you would do if you were in his or her shoes.
11. They Use the Negative Language
A victim will never see positive things in life. He or she will use negative vocabulary. For example, they may exaggerate their negative feelings and use abusive words, like an idiot or stupid on a daily basis. Thy will also sabotage their efforts, finding helplessness in everything because “I can’t, it’s impossible, I will fail.” Really? Locate the evidence that you have overcome a similar challenge before and apply the strategies used there for your current situation.