There are some simple steps to follow to handle your anger.
What do you feel when you are angry?
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1. Define the reasons of your anger.
Anger is usually the cover of deeper emotions, like fear, guilt or pain. It can also mean frustration because of failure or lack of something.In case of abusive relationship you may feel angry because of helplessness, being trapped or willing to revenge.
What do you really feel, being annoyed, exasperated or just angry? What is the reason that ignites this strong state, while losing control and destruction is so easy? Write it down to become aware of your real motives of anger.
In case of your partner, listen to what he says about his anger. You might have missed some important information at the beginning of the relationship. Notice when he uses his anger to manipulate you during his abusive acts. In this case you have to learn how to handle his anger in order not to become angry yourself – in other words – not to take his negative emotions to yourself. You are not responsible for his emotions. He can choose how to react.
2. Be aware of your anger warning signs and triggers
While you might feel that you just explode into anger without warning, in fact, there are physical warning signs in your body. Anger is a normal physical response. It fuels the “fight or flight” system of the body, and the angrier you get, the more your body goes into overdrive. When you become aware of your own personal signs that your temper is starting to boil allows you to take steps to manage your anger before it gets out of control.
Pay attention to the way anger feels in your body
- Clenching your hands or jaw
- Pounding heart
- Feeling clammy or flushed
- Breathing faster
- Knots in your stomach
- “Seeing red”
- Pacing or needing to walk around
- Tensing your shoulders
- Having trouble concentrating
3. Identify the negative thought patterns that trigger your temper
You may think that frustrating situations because of abuse are what cause your anger. But anger problems have less to do with what happens to you. Insetad, it is more important how you interpret and think about what happened. Here are some common negative thinking patterns that trigger and fuel anger:
- Overgeneralizing. It happens when he says: “You always interrupt me. You NEVER consider my needs. EVERYONE disrespects me. I NEVER get the credit I deserve.”
- Mind reading and jumping to conclusions. Assuming you “know” what someone else is thinking or feeling—that he or she intentionally upset you, ignored your wishes, or disrespected you.
- Obsessing on “shoulds” and “musts.” In this case you have a rigid view of the way things should or must be and getting angry when reality doesn’t line up with this vision.
- Collecting straws. You look for things to get upset about, usually while overlooking or blowing past anything positive. You let these small irritations build and build until you reach the “final straw” and explode, often over something relatively minor.
- Blaming. When anything bad happens or something goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault. You blame others for the things that happen to you rather than taking responsibility for your own life.
4. Avoid people, places, and situations that bring out your worst
Well, easier said than done in case of living with an abusive partner, who may himself want to find you, even if you are trying to isolate. But do whatever you can to cut off from him, whenever it is possible.
Stressful events do not excuse anger, but understanding how these events affect you can help you take control of your environment and avoid unnecessary aggravation. Look at your regular routine and try to identify activities, times of day, people, places, or situations that trigger irritable or angry feelings. Maybe you get into a fight every time you hear your abusive partner raising his voice. Or maybe the way he looks at you irritates you. Then think about ways to avoid these triggers or view the situation differently so it doesn’t make your blood boil.
5. Learn ways to cool down
You can act quickly to deal with your anger before it spins out of control once you know how to recognize the warning signs that your temper is rising and anticipate your triggers,. You can use some of the techniques listed below:
- Exercise. A brisk walk around the block is a great idea. It releases pent-up energy so you can approach the situation with a cooler head.
- Focus on the physical sensations of anger. While it may seem counterintuitive, tuning into the way your body feels when you’re angry often lessens the emotional intensity of your anger.
- Slowly count to ten. Focus on the counting to let your rational mind catch up with your feelings. If you still feel out of control by the time you reach ten, start counting again.
- Take some deep breaths. Deep, slow breathing helps counteract rising tension. The key is to breathe deeply from the abdomen, getting as much fresh air as possible into your lungs.
- Stretch or massage areas of tension. Roll your shoulders if you are tensing them, for example, or gently massage your neck and scalp.
- Use your senses. Take advantage of the relaxing power of your sense of sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste. You might try listening to music or picturing yourself in a favorite place.
6. Find healthier ways to express your anger
If you have decided that the situation is worth getting angry about and there’s something you can do to make it better, the key is to express your feelings in a healthy way. There are some ways of healthy anger channeling. Use all your limbs and voice to expel anger. Kicking, shouting, even writing out your angry thoughts, hitting really helps. Of course, choose the methods appropriate in your case. When communicated respectfully and channeled effectively, anger can be a tremendous source of energy and inspiration for change.
7. Find help
If you have problems with managing your anger, seek for help. Contact your counselor, ask your friends for advice. In case of abuse only cool attitude will help you to get out the relationship if necessary. Your anger only escalates the problem.
Apart from the problem of abuse, consider professional help if:
- You feel constantly frustrated and angry no matter what you try.
- Your temper causes problems at work or in your relationships.
- You avoid new events and people because you feel like you can’t control your temper.
- You have gotten in trouble with the law due to your anger.
- Your anger has ever led to physical violence.
Therapy for anger problems. Therapy can be a great way to explore the reasons behind your anger. It is very hard to control if you do not know why you are getting angry. Therapy provides a safe environment to learn more about your reasons and identify triggers for your anger. It is also a safe place to practice new skills in expressing your anger.
You can start one-to one therapy, attending groups meeting or workshops. Anger management classes or groups allow you to see others coping with the same struggles. You will also learn tips and techniques for managing your anger and hear other people’s stories. But in case of domestic violence issues, traditional anger management is usually not recommended. You need special classes that go to the issue of power and control that are at the heart of domestic violence.
Remember: Anger isn’t the real problem in abusive relationships
Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior and temper. In fact, abusive behavior is a deliberate choice for the sole purpose of controlling you. If you are in an abusive relationship, know that couples counseling is not recommended—and that your partner needs specialized treatment, not regular anger management classes.
Look at your anger. Write down the list of reasons which make you angry. then describe all the situation, you can use any words to channel your negative emotions. Then choose one healthy method of expelling your anger in the future. As an abused woman, seek for help,. You can start from ringing to these numbers
Please comment today’s post and share with your friends. Have a nice day.
Author: Victoria Herocten Writer and coach.
Since 2009 she helps women with abuse to start over and how to be happy .
The co-author of the bestseller “Gratitude Book”.