It is not easy to end domestic violence. Before you actually leave your abusive partner, prepare for that mentally. How to do it?
“I am living in hell from one day to the next. But there is nothing I can do to escape. I don’t know where I would go if I did. I feel utterly powerless, and that feeling is my prison. I entered of my own free will, I locked the door, and I threw away the key.”
― Haruki Murakami
1. Face the Truth Honestly
Allow yourself to be entirely disgusted with this person for treating you the way they have. Cry – you will cry a lot! I will also add: Write, write write. You can cry while writing, too. Let yourself all the negative emotions go. Say “no” to any excuses which are stopping you from leaving your abusive partner. Read more
2. Be Clear About Ending Domestic Violence
This means to stop contacting him altogether. Cut him off. After preparation of the things necessary to leave (see the chapter about safety plan) and learning the skills like assertiveness and dealing with your emotions, setting your new goals – time has come to cut any contact with him. Never enable him to communicate with you again. Block him out of your life altogether. Delete his phone number, erase all the text messages, online accounts. Just inform him that you are leaving and cutting contact with him. I will write below how to leave the abuser safely and efficiently. Read more
3. STOP Worrying About His Feelings
After cutting off – he stopped existing for you. Nothing connecting with him bothers you anymore. Remember that he was toxic and caused domestic violence. Such person does not have feelings! Well … he does, but your abusive partner does not respect yours; so why should you worry about his? Consider him a narcissist, which means he does not have feelings, but will pretend he does, if that helps. Think about how long your abusive partner has overlooked your feelings. Read more
4. STOP Trying to Replace Him Instantly
It is said that the fastest way over someone is to find someone new. However, this is not the case when you are recovering from domestic violence. Then you are exceptionally vulnerable, even more than if you are just recovering from a standard relationship break up. The chances are extremely high that you will entice another abusive person into your life. Never go with it. You need some time to heal from your last relationship and define what you want. You also need to practice the skills which will help you to set healthy boundaries with the new person that you will meet in the future. Remember that having someone does not determine your value.
Accept that you wasted time and the relationship was not real. Read more
5. Realize That, the Relationship Was Not Real
There was no sound give-take, no connection only fear and power game. If it were, you would have known all the circumstances (including why he wanted more power) and been able to have made an informed decision. There is no way any rational person would be in it in the first place if it was real and you had recognized that it was toxic for you. Read more
6. Use Visualization Techniques
Again, visualization is helpful. But this tine visualizes you collecting all the beautiful things you said to this person, all the right times, all the money you spent, the time you invested … but do it to feel even bigger disgust to him. You have invested a lot. You deserve all the good you put into the relationship, but they do not because of being abusive. This kind of visualization will empower you – it proves you that you can be happy and build a nurturing relationship… but with the person who will respect you. Read more
7. Detox Yourself
Remember to be strong! This attitude is like hitting SHIFT DELETE on the keyboard of your computer, which means “hard erasing beyond any point of return.” This technique is your best friend. Read more
Leave your comment under this post. Your comment may be the topic of my next post. have a nice day.