The truth is that verbal abusers gain control and they benefit from abusing you. They feel in control of in control of your thoughts, emotions, and actions. When the abuser infiltrates your every thought, you’re more likely to do things and say things the abuser implanted in your mind.
Your abuser knows that after verbally abusing you, you will react in predictable ways – cry, you yell. However, after awhile, you go back to them with an open heart, begging for love And every time you beg to be worthy of your abuser’s love, they get a self-esteem kick out of it.
This is the brutal scenario in which you cannot win. But it is also truth that you can take control of your life and stop the abuse, even if at this moment it seems impossible. How can you do that?
1. Start with your thoughts.
I know it will be hard, but this is the only way to begin gaining control over your life and verbal abuse as well. Your thoughts attract similar circumstances, people and opportunities. If you still think how to get love from the abuser, chances are that you will be begging for it, letting him win again.
Take a piece of paper and write down all the thoughts that you have when he uses verbal abuse. Is it fear of being abandoned, beaten? Do you feel helpless then and see no other option? Do the record of your thoughts for two days. You will probably write a lot of thoughts, which come automatically.
2. Now have a look at your thoughts.
How much truth is there in them? First of all, they are probably distorted. I will write about distorted thinking in my next posts. Now I just will give you some examples of that. So you probably over generalize, e.g. “Nobody will love me”. This thought has also a negative mental filter. When you feel under pressure of doing something for your verbal abuser, this is “all-or-nothing” thinking, as you cannot see any other options between. You can also put labels for yourself, especially when verbal abuse means name calling and you started to believe in the abuser’s words.
3. Examine the facts.
Even if you might think that no one will love you again, check the evidence. Firstly, I am sure that there are people who love and like you, e.g. your friends and someone from your family. Make a written list of them and read that every day. Secondly, how can you know that no one will love you again if you have not checked that – e.g. dating new people?
4. Question the thoughts.
Ask your friends what they think about your thoughts. Find examples of people on the Internet, which life prove that everybody can be loved. What would your mentors say?
5. Program new thinking.
If you feel unloved or under pressure of not being loved again, start writing affirmations “I am loved” e.g. 50 times a day – in the notebook, on your computer or mobile. Every tome you go to the bathroom and look at the mirror – tell yourself “I am loved” and smile. Practise these two techniques for 30 days and see results. Of course, you have to neutralize every negative thoughts that will occur. Become blind to them. When negativity attacks you or he abuses you verbally again, tell yourself in thoughts “I can handle this and I love myself”. Find at least 20 reasons why you should love yourself and why other people love you. Write them down.
Summing up, you cannot stop verbal abuse. I mean – force the person who abuses you to stop doing so. But you have to show him, that you dislike that and demand respect. If he does not want to do so, time has come to leave him, even if you can be afraid of losing his “love”. Verbal abuse is not love, remember that.
And one more thought at the end – how much do you really need his love? Can’t you do without it? You might be dependent on him financially or because of living with him – but it is your responsibility to find love and respect – if not from him, look for other people. But first you have to love yourself as the brutal truth is that no one will give you love unless you do so first.