Blame It Or Change It? – That Is the Question.

blame it or change it“Blame It” has been one of the trending topics on Twitter. Have you ever thought what the word “blame” really means? How do you feel when somebody blames you on even the most trivial thing? In case of domestic abuse this problem of blaming is always up-to-date. How can you cope with blame then?

Firstly, I myself do not blame any one on Twitter, especially the author of this trending topic. It can be a great opportunity to see what people are really disappointed with. But blaming will not help you solve your problems. it is just an excuse.

How often do you blame your partner?


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There are 3 kinds of blaming:

1. Blaming others.

It is the most common form of blame, I can even say automatic. In case of abusive relationships blame is a great tool of manipulation. The abuser will use blaming to make you guilty and submissive. It is an open, direct attack.

But what about you? How easy is to justify your choices because of “him”? Then you make a victim of yourself. Even if he is an abuser, it is you who decide how to handle his behaviour. Blaming him for your fear, weight gain, unattractiveness is just a waste of time… and your energy.

2. Blaming the circumstances.

How many times have you said that something happens because of bad weather, noise, illness? Ass more excuses to the list. Some items are probably your unique reasons. But the brutal truth is that it is you who has power to do something in a given case. Bad weather? For one person the weather that you hate can be brilliant.

And how will it look like in abusive relationships? “I cannot leave him because I love him, because people will be talking about me, because I am afraid of the future…” These are only few issues which are “blamed” for your status quo. An the truth is that suffering is not love, that people will always talk about other people and never all the people will like you, that we are all afraid of change, but can face it.

3. Blaming yourself.

Okay, you stopped blaming him, the circumstances and all seems to look fine. You know that you are responsible for your choices and actions… but you take too much on yourself. You do not give yourself the right to make mistakes and forget that there are things beyond your control.

How often do you beat yourself “If I hadn’t said this he would not have hit me, shouted at me ect”? Then remember that you are not responsible for his reactions, you can only do your best to communicate your ideas in the right way. And of course you are responsible for handling your emotions, but not his.

Ask yourself a question: Will blaming help to solve the main problem or is it just shooting into the empty space, which will not change the situation? I am sure that the second option is true.

So what is your alternative?

Taking responsibility and constructive action. Of course you will not change your abusive partner… unless he will. But you can change your attitude, become more assertive and vigilant to what he says and what really does.

Take action.

Think of your relationship. Write down why you are facing abuse. if the answers are “because of him, my fear ect” challenge them. Ask yourself “How do I react, do I take responsibility for my reactions and actions?” Then write down answers to this question. Good luck.


Please comment today’s post and share with your friends. Have a nice day.


Victoria HeroctenAuthor: Victoria Herocten Writer and coach.
Since 2009 she helps women with abuse to start over and how to be happy .
The co-author of the bestseller “Gratitude Book”.

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